Love & Control

An impoverished elderly woman reduced to living on the cold,wet city street can look you in the eye and say, “I hurt deeply”. A man standing in the living room of a fine house, car and a sound bank account can say the same thing – “I hurt deeply”. Our relatives, our wives, husbands, sons, daughters, in-laws, aunts, uncles, cousins and friends can and do hurt us deeply. (And we can and frequently do the same to them.)

Emotions that become part of ourselves are called Passions. St. Peter of Damascus (6th C.) identified passions like anger, sorrow, dislike, hate, harshness, trickery, malice, perversity, mindlessness, lack of understanding, idleness, flattery, lethargy, dearth of good actions, moral errors, greed, over-frugality, ignorance, folly, spurious knowledge, indolence, dispassion, deceit, delusion, and 257 more.

When we feel hurt it is difficult to sort our emotions because love and our own self-pride are intertwined. Part of our love is a desire for our loved ones to “be happy” and “do well”. Tangled with our love is a desire to step into their lives, take control and “set things right”. When we can’t do this, the resulting frustration can cause us to dive into the stew of passions and perhaps never really be fully “normal” again.

These passions can take control of our waking thoughts and sleep. It is easy to point a finger at who may be wrong. Frankly, we are the ones stirring the stew of the Passions. For example, if we see a 45 year old drug addict on the street, we feel a certain amount of compassion but lose no sleep. If that person is our daughter, then the cauldron starts brewing. Too often it is we, ourselves who lit the fire and are punishing ourselves – not the daughter! The desire for control of situations when mixed with love is, at best, a mess.

Consider this:

All love comes from Christ. Our hearts are mirrors and can reflect that love. This usually takes time and prayer on our part and Christ’s grace. The result can be daily joy in God.

Pray for our loved one without forecasting an outcome.

Pray for ourselves, that we may be permitted to draw nearer to the source of strength. (Not to give us strength – there is a difference)

You may wish to write, in a little private book, the names of those you pray for each day. After praying – CLOSE THE BOOK, GO ON WITH YOUR DAY, LET GOD WORK.

In the love and peace of Christ,

Fr. David

Idle Talk

The Prayer of Saint Ephrem the Syrian (306-373)

O Lord and Master of my life, take from me the spirit of sloth, despondency, lust for power and idle talk.

But grant unto me, Thy servant, a spirit of chastity/integrity, humility, patience and love.

Yea, O Lord and King, grant me to see mine own faults and not to judge my brother. For blessed art Thou unto the ages. Amen.

___________

Saint John Chrysostom has said that behind every word is a thought.

Com·mu·ni·ca·tion. noun

1. The process by which information is exchanged between individuals through a common system of symbols, signs, or behavior; also : exchange of information.
2. personal rapport, e.g. a lack of communication between old and young persons

We speak to each other constantly.
We can and do communicate information- “The church is on Highway 41, just South of Hernando.”

We communicate to share our lives and fears with each other. – “I was alone on the highway at night trying to find the car jack when a strange car stopped.”

We can ask advice. – “Do you think I should go to confession before Pascha.”

We can give advice.- “Go to confession before Pascha.”

However, we each have a psychological make-up which is is reflected in our speech. For example, anger is most often shown in words.- “You make me so mad.”

We also negotiate:

Ne·go·ti·a·te . verb

1. To deal with some matter or affair that requires ability for its successful handling.

2. MANAGE. To arrange for or bring about through conference, discussion, and compromise, e.g. negotiate a treaty.

The parent asking a child if she cleaned her room is a scene repeated millions of times each day throughout the United States and abroad. It is also an example of negotiation. The father, frequently uses “psychology” to coerce his daughter to clean her room. (“No tv unless you clean your room.”)

The daughter, on the other hand, is also learning to “psych’ her father. (“My tummy hurts.”)

We all are professional negotiators. We buy cars, we try to persuade others to our political views, we contract for home improvements, we sometimes sue each other.

We sometimes resort to behavior to convey our feelings. The child who slams his room door when he is mad becomes the son who, “tells his elderly mother off.”

We negotiate. Frequently we hurt or steal a part of the person when we win. “I told you so,” means, “I am higher on the mound of everyday life than you”.

The motives behind much of our speech can be very dark. What is the motive, for example, of a person who forcefully dominates all conversation at the lunch table?

The definition of SIN is simply not doing what we are supposed to do. We sin constantly.

Saint Ephrem knew that of which he spoke, when he included “idle talk” in his prayer. Squelching idle talk is the first step in quieting the soul and making room for Christ.

There is a word for this, hesychia (quietness and silence).

Orthodox monasticism has always been associated with stillness or silence, which is seen primarily as an internal rather than an external state. External silence is sought in order to attain inner stillness of mind more easily. This stillness is not a kind of inertia or inaction, but awakening and activation of the spiritual life. It is intense vigilance and total devotion to God. Living in a quiet place the monk succeeds in knowing himself better, fighting his passions more deeply and purifying his heart more fully, so as to be found worthy of beholding God.

Our example in all things is Christ. It is a good exercise to open the Gospels and look at the words of Christ. He spoke with complete directness and simplicity. His speech was sinless. He never allowed Himself to be caught up in the “word traps” set by the Pharisees.

Our speech reflects our own psychology which is all too often to our own benefit. Through our speech, we often don’t, “see our own faults” and frequently “judge our brother”. The prayer of Saint Ephrem is a good prayer to take with us throughout the year.

In Christ’s love-

Fr. David

Narcissism

nar·cis·sism (när’sĭ-sĭz’əm) n.
1. Excessive love or admiration of oneself. See conceit.
2. A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.

Narcissism- the love of one’s self is on the rise. A recent study of over 16,000 college students reports that over two thirds of the students are in the narcissistic category. This is frightening, but should not be surprising given the strange media-driven culture they have had to make sense of. At its extreme, the label narcissist fits those who marginalize the lives of others.  This label includes serial killers. This study points to the possibility of even less harmony in the future. At its worst- more divorces, more white-collar crime, more lawsuits, more lost kids, and more war. And far more difficult communication between people.

A narcissist is a person who lives behind an ever hardening wall. Saint Maria Skobtsova, who died in a Nazi concentration camp, said of such people,

On the one hand, worldly people are essentially separated from the world by an impenetrable wall. However much they give themselves to the joys of the world, whatever bustle they live in, there is always an impassable abyss in their consciousness: “I” and the world, which serves me, amuses me, grieves me, wearies me, and so on. The more egoistic a man is, that is, the more he belongs to the world, the more alienated he is from the authentic life of the world, the more the world is some sort of inanimate comfort for him, or some sort of inanimate torture, to which his uniquely animate “I” is opposed. If he loves the world, science, art, nature, family, friends, politics, it is with what may be called lustful love of “my family,” “my art,” “my nature,” “my politics.” All this reveals, embodies, reflects, realizes a single excessive “I.” In this relation to the world there exist insuperable, high walls that separate man from man, nature, and God. We may boldly say that the most worldly man is the most separated and disconnected from the life of the world.

Since narcissists attach themselves to things, they cannot love others and have little room in their hearts for God. We are given the pleasant task of loving God with all our heart, mind and soul and to love others as ourselves. Saint Maria has also pointed out that, “the way to God lies through the love of people.” This was echoed centuries earlier by Saint Dortheos of Gaza who, in the sixth century wrote,

When they stand away from God and turn to external things, it is clear that the more they recede and become distant from God the more that they become distant from one another. See! This is the very nature of love. The more we are turned away from and do not love God, the greater the distance that separates us from our neighbor. If we were to love God more, we should be closer to God; and through love of Him we should be more united in love to our neighbor; and the more we are united to our neighbor the more we are united to God.

Imagine a narcissist who learns to love her neighbor as much as she loves herself and whose love deepens through the help of God. Imagine the affliction of narcissism becoming transformed into true Christianity within that person. Narcissists have a unique and difficult dialog with God. Narcissists, like all people, need God’s grace, our love, prayer, and the occasional turning of one’s cheek.

Here’s a better noun-
al·tru·ism (āl’trōō-ĭz’əm) n.
Unselfish concern for the welfare of others; selflessness.

In Christ’s love-

Father David